I've been waiting for this happiness to end. I just didn't think it would end so soon. This reminds me of that saying "You never know what you have until it's gone" or some shit like that. I dislike that saying greatly, half the time it's not even true. I think of it as I'm thinking back on everything I've lost and I'm always like, "What the fuck? I'm glad it's gone." Yeah, that makes no sense either, but I'm just someone that doesn't make a bit of sense.

So, I went to the gas station around 9 and the second I walked out the door I was shivering. I had a sweater on, 2 shirts, jeans, and shoes on but still I was freezing. While walking to the gas station it got worse, making my back hurt and stiff and my chest feel like it was on fire and someone was stabbing it a billion times. I wanted to cry my eyes out and walk back home but I was already half way there. I sucked it up and continued my walk and came back home freezing and unable to breathe. My good friend said that it wasn't good and I should take a warm shower. I took a bath instead. It felt great! Now, I feel pretty ok just the usual slight pain in my chest. But that's always been there.

Have I ever mentioned how much I hate liars. I'm not gonna lie, I used to lie all the time and I still do but not the way that others lie to me. I lie to keep myself safe, to keep others safe, to protect people's secrets. Others lie just to lie, to make themselves look good because they have no self-esteem. They want to be perfect to everyone they talk to and when someone figures out their lies, they lie about that person. They spread rumors to make it seem like the person is lying just to save their ass and to continue looking good and perfect to others. If people don't like me for who I am they why bother with them. Obviously, not many people get this concept and it is because of that that I don't have many friends. Also, the fact that I have trust issues doesn't help. I have reasons for my trust issues though and they come back to this lying thing.

Anyways, I just don't get why people care so much about what others think and say. It's not that big of a deal, what makes others greater then me? Who cares about the kinds of clothes others wear, or the type of phone they have? Why should their opinion about who I am matter? So, I just don't see why people get so worked up about this stuff and have to lie. Maybe someone can tell me, because I don't think I'll ever get it without someone explaining it to me.

I found that one song people should listen to when they're just -- lost. When things are too complicated to understand or things just can't seem to get into place. When we feel so alone we just can't seem to get out of the hole we've stuck ourselves in. Yes, I finally found that song and lucky for me it's by my favorite band; Paramore. If you want to listen to this amazing song by their new CD. It's track 10 called Misguided Ghosts.

Misguided Ghosts - Paramore
I'm going away for a while
But I'll be back
Don't try to follow me
'Cause I'll return as soon as possible
See, I'm trying to find my place
But it might not be here where I feel safe

We all learn to make mistakes
And run from them, from them
With no direction
We'll run from them, from them
With no conviction

'Cause I'm just one of those ghosts
Travelin' endlessly
Don't need no roads
In fact, they follow me
And we just go in circles

And now I'm told that this is life
That pain is just a simple compromise
So we can get what we want out of it

Would someone care to classify?
A broken heart and some twisted minds
So I can find someone to rely on
And run to them, to them
Full speed ahead
Oh, you are not useless
We are just

Misguided ghosts
Travelin' endlessly
The ones we trusted the most
Pushed us far away
And there's no one road
We should not be the same
But I'm just a ghost
And still they echo me
They echo me in circles

Everyday I watch people. Imagine what they're thinking, where they're going, who or what is waiting for them at home. And when that no longer interests me I start creating a story for them. Those stories often turn into a story about me though. Oh, and they never finish. Not once have I finished a story I started that was about me or related to me in any way. If people read my stories that I don't give as an assignment for English class they wouldn't think I was some innocent girl talking about a magical world that doesn't exist and has nothing to do with me. Most of the stories I write on my own tend to have some truth in them. Often times, more truth then people want to know about me. It is because of those things that I don't show my friends my stories nor do I finish them. I'm afraid of the ending. Half the time my mind is running wild with this story that I don't have control over it. It makes it hard to see the outcome of the story. You'd be afraid of a stories ending if that happened to you every single day, almost every hour of the day.

.Quizilla.
killerkidspenguin

I suppose I should use this thing to write my feelings out since I hate explaining things to my friends. Sometimes they just -- don't get it. It's a shame to have friends that just don't get it. It makes you feel like you have no one there for you to understand you. The sad things is, that when that one person that understands me comes, I may fall for him/her. I don't want that to happen. I'm not into commitment and I know not having that one person will drive me insane. It's something I wouldn't be able to stand, not that I can stand anything now. Currently I feel that being in another relationship will destroy my life. It'll be the ticking time bomb ready to go off in my life and then everything will going out of my control. Everything will end up turning into shit. I can always tell when things like that are going to happen and I know that it'll happen soon. The thing is, I'm not afraid of much anymore, whatever happens next will be ten times worse then the last time and honestly, I'm looking forward to it.